Why can’t I actually write down my feelings? Why can’t I be 100% honest? I know I’m a people pleaser… but come on! I should at least be able to feel free to share my struggles, thoughts, and insecurities, but nope, my heart says, “No way! You may get hurt. You may hurt someone. You may say the wrong thing. You may be judged.” I have struggled my whole life with trying to please those around me and I guess it has come to the point where I have a hard time even being honest with myself… I view every decision I make based on how others will perceive my actions.
I haven’t always done it all right. I haven’t always made the most wise of decisions. But you know what I have done, I have gotten to this point in my life with a long list of mistakes that I have learned from. I have a long list of people who love me and support me in whatever decisions I make in life. And most of all, I have a God who loves me unconditionally, has never left my side, and is always for me.
About a week ago, I felt rejection like I’d never felt before and mostly by my own doing. I heard a lot of honest truth from people I love and respect. My heart felt lost, broken, and insecure. In my brokenness, I wrote out this vow and have read it to myself every day since –
I vow today to be authentically me.
To be a bold believer.
To be a passionate and hard working woman.
To love who I love and not be ashamed about it.
To not feel judged for taking so many different paths to get where I’m going.
To follow my heart.
To follow my dreams.
To live big and love fiercely.
To not allow others opinions of me change who I am.
I am strong. I am beautiful.
I am brave. I am enough.
Do I always believe those last four adjectives about myself, no, but I vow every day to not allow Satan to tell me anything different. Life doesn’t always make sense. One day you love someone with all that you are and then wake up and realize you aren’t meant to be together forever. Then, the next day you’re back in love with someone new but then they realize they aren’t meant to be with you forever. You think you have your life planned out and even use the phrase “this is God’s calling for my life”, but then a few months later you realize your view of His calling and His view are totally different. It’s in these raw moments that I beat myself for putting myself 100% into everything and everyone and not being more cautious with my words or actions. But why would I beat myself up when God puts all that He is into me every day and I continually let Him down and He doesn’t hate me for it? Why wouldn’t I love someone with all my heart even though they may walk away when God loves me more than anyone ever will and yet I walk away from Him constantly?
If this summer is teaching me anything, it’s teaching me to be slow to speak and quick to love. I don’t have it all figured out and most days I’m not even sure where I will be the next day, who I will meet, or what challenges I may face. The only thing I know for certain at this point in my life is that God has created me for people and that in some capacity I will be surrounded by people for a living. Will it be overseas? Maybe one day! Will it be with Chick-fil-A? Possibly! I don’t know… and for right now, I am learning to trust in the waiting and not be too quick to try and figure it all out on my own when I don’t hear an answer right away. God told me to travel before I settle down. I took that as traveling the world, but right now it’s looking like He may have had a different plan for that and that’s ok. Learning to be content in the silence is hard for someone who usually sees silence as rejection. I saw this quote recently that has stuck with me –
“When we find ourselves in a holding pattern, it’s easy to ask,‘What was I doing wrong? Is God holding my past against me? What do I have to do to earn His favor?’ Rest assured, God never presses pause out of spite. Sometimes waiting has less to do with the strength of your faith and more to do the perfection of God’s timing. God makes us wait at times so we can glean valuable lessons. In the wait, He is preparing us for what He has already planned for us. Waiting isn’t wasting time; it’s training time.” – Unknown
It’s training time... Time for me to be even more aware of His presence in my life. Time to listen even more intently when I hear those gentle whispers. Time to glean all I can from the moments of silence and trust that in His perfect timing it will all make sense. Most days I feel like a failure when I crawl into bed, but on the days when my eyes are fixed on Jesus and ALL He has done for me and not on my own self disappointment, I go to bed with this eternal hope inside of me that gives me peace for the future. So, my fearless wanderers, I leave you with this, be authentically you in whatever capacity that looks like and be content in the silence. There might be more there than you could ever have imagined!