"I am here, I am here
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near"
- P!nk, I Am Here
Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, this paralyzing fear came over me that I am wasting away my life... That somehow I've missed the boat on my dreams and desires. I fell asleep with this on my mind and woke up today ready to change that mindset. As I have spent time in the Word today and in prayer with my Jesus, I reflected on how much life I have LIVED over the past 29 years! I reflected on all of the joys and sorrows, all of the lessons learned, all of the heartache as well as all of the love. Satan loves to get under my skin with my singleness and my seemingly directionless life and at times it works, but I will not let it knock me down. I am here!
God has been unbelievably evident in my life over the course of my life and all I have to do is sit quiet for a moment and He beings to show me His presence over and over again! As a child, I grew up with incredible parents who loved Jesus and pointed me in His direction. As a middle schooler and high schooler, Jesus gave me my dear friend, Emily, who would continually point me back to Him even when I didn't always see it that way. In college, I had the incredible blessing of attending several different universities in order to gain my degree. Being able to visit and jump around gave me a much more well rounded view of my college years and gave me the opportunity to meet and become friends with so many different groups and people! College also allowed me the choice to choose Jesus for the first time all on my own. To finally decide I am His and He is mine. Did I always choose Him, not at all. I failed over and over again, but even in the years of choosing my own path over His, He never left my side and it made choosing Him again that much more sweet. After college, my life became a crazy adventure of job after job after job. Every single job I have had since graduating college has given me amazing opportunities to educate, inspire, and encourage others. Every job laid the foundation for the next job. And every job gave me connections I would have otherwise never had had I never said goodbye to one and yes to other! I can get bogged down with all of the directional changes my life has taken over the last six years of adulthood, but I know He has me exactly where He wants me and there are many more changes ahead!
As an adult, I have been given the chance to know love and give love in return. I have been able to know what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts and to know the hurt that comes from knowing they aren't who Jesus called me to be with the rest of my life. Singleness can feel like a jail cell at times... a cell I have locked myself in due to decisions I have made... and this is exactly how Satan wants me to feel. Trapped, locked up, and unknown. But, this is not how God sees me! He knows the choices I have made and He knows where my heart was at when I made those decisions and He continually wraps His arms around me and reminds me I AM FREE! I am free in Him! I am HERE! Adulthood has been full of ups and downs and unknowns and moments of anger and freedom and loss... but above all, I have been here for all of it. I walked through all of it, I felt all of it, I acknowledge all of it, and I am not alone in any of it.
So, when the devil is near and wants to tear you down and make you feel unknown and washed up, remember YOU ARE HERE! You are not dead, but very much ALIVE! And if you call Jesus your Savior, you are very much ALIVE IN HIM! What a place to be! How I needed this reminder today!
My fearless wanderers, you are HERE! And if for some reason you feel lost, remember that it won't ever be 'fixed' but it can be changed by changing the direction you are headed. I believe in you and Jesus believes in you and loves you so very much!!
All my love,
Your Fearless Wanderer
So much can happen in the span of a few months. Since my last post in April, here is a quick run down of what has happened-
YIKES! I can't believe all of those major changes have happened in the last three months! I knew Chick-fil-A was coming to a close, but I had no idea where life was taking me after I said good-bye. While working in Portland, I applied to 320 Ranch just to see if anything would come of it. I didn't hear anything for a little over two weeks, so I emailed the front desk manager and the general manager just to see if they had seen my application. Amber, the GM, wrote me back the next day letting me know the ranch didn't need any more wranglers, but she would check with the other departments. The very next day (Wednesday of my final week in Oregon- my final week of guaranteed work), Vera, their Guest Relations manager, emailed me letting me know she needed another employee and would love to chat if I had time. Of course I had time!! I emailed her right back and we set up an interview for the following day. The first interview went super well and she arranged for a second interview to happen the next day, Friday (at this point I only have two more days of work and nothing guaranteed after that!!). Friday's interview went super well and they let me know that I would hear back from them within 24 hours. 24 hours passed and I hadn't heard anything. I figured they were super busy and just hadn't had a chance to email me, so I waited. I finished my very final day with Chick-fil-A, clocked out, packed, and got on a plane headed back to Georgia all the while having no idea really where I was headed once I got back.
Let me back up a little for a second, just a week earlier than all of these happenings, I had journaled a prayer boldly asking the Lord to give me an answer about the ranch before I got back to Georgia. I knew I didn't necessarily have a back up plan, but I was so hopeful this job would work out. My word for this season of life is - TRUST - so, I guess that's what I was practicing by asking the Lord and then patiently waiting.
Ok, back to the story.
I got on the plane Sunday morning with still no answer from the ranch. I journaled and prayed while I was in the air and felt this peace that it would all be alright! As soon as I landed, I pulled out my phone to check my email... there it was. An email from the ranch with a subject line that could have gone both ways. Before I opened it, I prayed and asked the Lord to be over my heart and no matter the answer, I knew He had a plan for me! I opened the email and, as you already know, the answer was YES! I was now employed on the other side of the country and my date to begin... Sunday. One week away.
One week. One week to say good-bye, pack, fix a recall on my car, and drive - yes DRIVE - to Montana. I took Monday thru Wednesday to get everything done in Athens and then Thursday thru Saturday to drive across the country by myself to my new home. I still can't believe I did it! I know people have done harder and more crazy things, but this was a big deal to me and I was so proud of myself! Oh, the total cost for everything - food, fuel, + lodging - was $330!! I couldn't have purchased a plane ticket for that little! And, now I have my car here, which is actually a huge blessing!
It's been a crazy couple of months, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was absolutely difficult to say good-bye to Georgia, more specifically the people in Georgia, but I knew I was headed to something great. The first morning waking up here in this incredible place, my heart felt calm for the first time in months. It felt a peace and quietness it hasn't known for some time now. Life had become this constant pace to keep up, to show up, to do and be and say all the things all the time, and my soul was exhausted. I knew life was meant to be lived, but I felt most days like I was just surviving. I didn't know how to slow down, but I so desperately wanted to. Being here has shown me that life can be full. Life can have a lot of work in it that needs to get done. But, life also can slow down. Life doesn't have to be speeding by in order to get it all done. Taking time to walk, breathe, read, and be quiet has been exactly what my heart and soul have longed for for way too long. I fully believe Jesus brought me here to slow me down. To quiet my soul. And to have all of me for Himself with no distractions. I know distractions will come, but starting over with good habits and making time for Him each day will help keep me focused when those distractions do show up or when the business of life begins to creep back in.
I can't thank Jesus enough for bringing me here. It is only because of Him that I am living and working in Montana!! I have no idea how long I will be here, but even if it's only a few short months, I know it is exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in life!
As always, live fearlessly my darlings, but also, live with TRUST! The only way I can live without fear is if I am trusting that He has me in His arms and that nothing will harm me there!
All my love,
Your Fearless Wanderer