Have you ever had a dream that was so big, others looked at you like you were crazy? No? Well me neither, not till recently anyway. But, I have always wanted one. I have always wanted to be apart of a movement bigger than myself. In college, I did quite a bit of research about the suffrage movement. I longed to have been born right before that so that I would have been in my early twenties during that era. I wanted to stand up for equal rights. I wanted to stand up for women. I wanted to believe in something so much that no matter what was thrown at me, I was not going to back down.
I have believed in Jesus my whole life. I grew up in church and my father was the worship pastor at our church for most of my growing up. We basically lived at church. Once I got into college, I was faced with making my faith my own. Choosing to believe all I had been taught growing up or choosing to believe something different. I chose to believe everything I had been taught and even though I struggled, I never lost faith in who God is, what Jesus came to do, or that the Holy Spirit was living inside me. After college, my faith was rocked when I finally began to acknowledge these feelings inside me for girls. I knew what I had been taught and therefore I began to beat myself up every time these feelings began to rise in me. I felt so ashamed and so dirty. When I acted on these feelings, I was confused. I felt right and wrong all at the same time, and my childhood teachings told me it was because I had natural sexual desires, I was just looking for them in the wrong place. So, I tried dating guys. That didn’t last too long. Even though I do believe I have attractions to both sexes, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was supposed to be dating a girl. Marry one, I didn’t know, but date one, yes!
About three years ago, I began to date a girl and once again, these warring feelings rose up in me. But this time I wasn’t going to push them aside I was going to face them head on. I fought for over two years to try and figure this out, but failed. I broke up with my girl and told her I was supposed to marry a man. I had come to the think that being gay can’t be wrong, but I didn’t know how to put these thoughts into beliefs or how to voice what I was thinking. I moved to Montana a few months after breaking up and for the first time, I saw it all so clearly. I finally felt like I was beginning to dream one of those dreams that people look at and think “Are you crazy?”.
After being here in Montana for a few months, away from everything and everyone I knew, it clicked. Being gay is not a choice and God does not make mistakes. Was being gay or same-sex attractions part of God’s original design for humanity? No. But neither were a lot of things that mess with the DNA and chromosomal structure of the human body and brain. And believing that you are flawed in God’s eyes because of how you believe were made, is wrong. You are not flawed! You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. Just. As. You. Are. Just like a lot of things that this broken world has messed up, we are able to use them for His honor and glory. I believe being gay is a challenging gift from God that, if used for Him alone, can be so beautiful.
Back in college, I wanted to be part of the suffrage movement. I wanted to fight for equal rights for women. I thought my chance at fighting for the equality of mankind had passed me by, but God knew that seed that was planted in college would grow years later into a passion. A passion for all mankind. A passion for everyone to be loved and seen and heard no matter what. I didn’t have someone speaking this truth into my soul when I was struggling and I pray that this message of God’s AMAZING and UNCONDITIONAL love would spread across our nation and world so that all men and women might know God loves them, He wants them in His family, and He is fighting for them.
If the church has shown you a different God, I am sorry. The church and Christianity are not God. He is so much bigger than that and His love is so much wider than that. You, the gay community, you are my heart. And I long for nothing more than to hold you close and tell you, you are loved by an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God and His Son, Jesus, came and lived and died for you! Jesus came to love and heal and save the lost, and if you feel lost, you are exactly who He is looking for! As we enter into a new decade, may this be the decade where Love truly conquers all and where all men and women are once and for all equal. God doesn’t see any of us differently, so why should we? May we open our eyes and ask God for 2020 vision this year for His people and His plan for mankind.